I've had the most annoying things happen of late. Yes in proportion to world wide events really it is insignificant but to me, it matters.
First, a BF made me organise a birthday party for them, which I really thought was very rich considering back when my birthday was she insisted on organising something for my birthday and it wasn't until a day or two before hand she admitted she hadn't organised anything and couldn't be bothered. This is turn made hubby mad as if he had of known he would of organised something. He was given clear instructions by BF not to organise anything for either my birthday or anniversary (both on same day) as she was going to organise a wild event. So I was pretty pissed to then have to go ahead and organise something for BF. Self absorbtion of this person is high. Its not just me being a bitch.
Second, same BF continually twists stories, makes up dramas and then tries their hardest to make me feel bad for their awful mismanagement of time and absentmindness.... Sick of it would be an overstatement and am now finding I am avoiding this person as much as I can. There is only so much f(&^^ ups and lies you can take.
Thirdly, mother came to stay.. Oh My God is all I can say. Realisation of why i live far from family was clearly shown. Thank goodness. As lonely as I may become it is far better than being exposed to the BS of family politics and overall f*&^% up behaviour.
Fourthly, realisation that I am a complete dumb arse has hit home hard. I attempted to start a course at University. Was pumped all ready. Seriously if my bro can do it, surely I can, I am suppose to be the smarter one. Nope, I am crap. I thought I was doing great only to realise that I can't do it. The things I think I am good at I am crap and those around me are better. My ex job was right, I am better off staying home with the kids. I have applied for job after job to hear nothing back, I have done everything to make my self worth feel worthy to only come crashing down to earth and feeling worse off.
The hardest thing is talking to someone about it. Hubby things I am being stupid (um hello i think to myself that is what i have been trying to tell you). He doesn't want to talk about issues and even though he says its ok to stay home, the random calls about jobs coming up suggest other wise. Today is my misery day. The day I load the DVD with kids programs and sit my butt on the couch and just cry. Perhaps I'll snap out of it, perhaps I'll stay like this until my faith is restored, who knows.
Time and something positive will soon tell.
23 October 2012
08 June 2012
Kids Talking
I was in Miss 2 bedroom this evening packing things away, listening to Master 6 and 3.5 in the bath talking. Master 6 is telling Master 3.5 he needs to marry someone. Master 3.5 is saying 'no'. Master 6 is convincingly telling master 3.5 that he has to get married when he gets older as that is the way it is. Reluctantly Master 3.5 agrees he is to marry someone. Master 6 then continues to pressure Master 3.5 on who he will marry. He also tells Master 3.5 that he (3.5) can't marry any of Master 6's girlfriends as they are all his (at this stage I have stopped packing and silently eavesdropping). Master 3.5 then says "I'll marry Mummy". "No you can't, Mummy is already married. Who else will you marry?". "I'll marry Ellie?". "No you can't marry your sister Lochie". "I'll marry a boy then". Master 6 was stumped at this and proceeded to change the conversation. I in the meantime am very amused by such a serious little conversation at that Master 6 seems to think that getting married is a 'must do' in life.
22 February 2012
Master Problem
I arrived at Master 6 after school care to be rushed and greeted with a problem. One of the workers has found master 6 to be having meltdowns. It appears Master 6 is over emotional, angry and violent.. Oh dear I think. Not this shit again. She then proceeds to explain Master 6 is also using the F bomb during arguments and directed the F bomb at a worker. Oh dear I think. Not this again. We agree to place Master 6 on a little good deed calendar. For every good day he gets through the bigger the reward at the end of the week. That problem part solved. The worker and I proceed to discuss this further with Master 6 who indicates quite clearly his older half brother, Master 9, has not been at before school care or at school for 3 days and he is very upset by this. Alarm bells ring. B and I the weekend before today had had a monster arguement about Master 9 coming over and how it is always when B is at work but weekends B not at work Master 9 does not come over?? Anyway.. Part of Master 6 issues start to unravel. He then proceeds to tell me how he is desperate to be part of the SRC at his school. He tells his teacher who I shall from this point on call Witch. Witch advises Master 6 it is based on an election of his peers and he must be voted in. Master 6 is then set up for a fall, doesn't get any votes due to the fact he has no friends from the year before in his class and is left feeling empty and humiliated. Okay he may not feel it, but I do for him. This I see has a potential borderline problem with his behaviour. I then join a few more dots and proceed to see that since beginning the new year he is also not coping with homework and becomes very emotional when it is attempted. Obviously the change in class and not being with new friends, separation from his older brother is just far too much for him to process all at once. B doesn't see it as an issue. I beg to differ and will in private tomorrow be speaking directly with the school to save both mine and my sons soul from being crushed and hopefully nip the emotional issues Master 6 is currently experiencing..... I can only try!
10 February 2012
For My Birthday Miss and Master
Its Master 6 and Miss 2 birthdays. To say I feel for them is a gross understatement. To have no one contact them or to give them the added extra excitement they deserve is just heart breaking. I remember when I grew up birthdays were a joy. Not a drag. Fun, filled with laughter, the ones you love and just that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart. I feel I have failed them. The buzz I need to get for them is not their and with that I feel that I have not provided them with what they need. So with this, I hug them close and hold on whilst stuffing them full of birthday cake that I have made with love and heart. After all, it is me to show them how it should be. I love my babies. Happy birthday my beautiful darlings. Every day you show me how amazing and pure your hearts and minds are.
03 February 2012
The Male Species
Today I encountered more male inaccuracies.... Was so frustrating. My day was going well until I got home. First I had my neighbours girlfriend at my car door begging me to help her. She does not speak English and interpreting what she wanted was slightly amusing. The poor woman was obviously upset.
I followed her in to the flat. There was a sight that I could only describe as 'OMG'. The S-Bend to the bathroom sink had literally exploded the pipe. The poor lady had no phone, no way of contacting anyone to tell or even ask how to turn off the water. Thank goodness I had the common sense to get on that phone and have it fixed. Whilst I was waiting with her I managed to interpret she had been trying to turn it off for over an hour. The house was destroyed. Oops.....
So after that hiccup I have a play for a few minutes and off I go to get the kids. This is were the male species really showed me how frustrating they are. Master 5 'Mum, you didn't pack me any lunch' yes i did. 'Nah you didn't, I'm hungry.' No I did pack you lunch you little so and so. I scrounge threw his bag to not only find the misplaced lunch bag from earlier in the week but also the current lunch bag empty. Upon showing him the proof it was packed he proceeds to tell me again 'I'm hungry, my lunch was stolen.' This makes me see red and continue the line of questioning on what did he have then for lunch, who would of stolen it etc. He again proceeds to tell me that he told the teachers I did not give him lunch and now have a bill of $5.00 for the lunch they supplied him..... Again, seeing red, question master 5 yet again. After much heated discussion he then cautiously announces 'I may of had it for breakfast' Grrrrrrr I say. That is very very naughty. By this stage I am seeing more of a deep crimson, head ache kicking in, tiredness creeping up. I then face off with B.
Working on weekends is a difficult subject in our house. B gets very uptight if I do, however, he is (even though previously promised wouldn't) works every Saturday, with every passing weekend the working hours are extended even further. To back track a little to bring you up to speed. B has master 9 from previous relationship. I don't mix too well with said child as find him condescending and highly demanding. B has been told many occasions if he is working on a weekend said child is not allowed over until after B finishes work, after all the child is coming over to see his father and siblings. B continues to piss this request up the wall (and wonders why I get pissed off). However, every very rare weekend B doesn't work master 9 does not come over..... mmmm.... So to test out the developing theory in my brain I ring B. 'B, you getting Master 9 this weekend.' Why? 'I'm just picking up the others, I know you are working late tonight and not working tomorrow I was going to pick him up on my way.' Phone goes silent. 'Nah, it causes too much hassle having him over.' Like fuck I think to myself. Its because you are too damn lazy and don't want to have to deal with him that you don't invite him. B is more content with the glory of saying he is over but not actually have to deal and interact with him leaving me as chief babysitter, entertainment director, cook, cleaner and crowd controller. Week after week I beg/request master 9 not come until B gets home and every week without fail I am manipulated in to having the little brat over. Then have to deal with him defying me at every move and making sure I feel like a bag of shit. To give you an example of why he gets my heckles up so bad. We comes over at long weekend (Friday as B has day off and is suppose to be looking after Master 5 but doesn't want the hassle so gets over master 9 and makes him be the chief entertainer of master 5). I am then told B working Saturday and is having his dickhead buddies over in the arvo for a BBQ. 'Fine' I say, 'you be home early from work as I am not doing all the hard work and its bad enough you haven't listened and got master 9 over yet again whilst you are working.' Sure says B. Saturday rocks around, kids hating each other immensely. Ring B, get assured he will be home around midday and do all prep for 3pm arrivals. Midday comes, 1pm comes still not B, 2pm comes, still no B. I ring. Where the F are you i say. About half hour away is the reply. I go to fire up and decide no, not worth the effort and hang up. B arrives in a flap, then realises I have not saved his arse as usual and have just left the house a mess, no prep done for the BBQ and he has half hour. Off to the shower I go I say. B gets very antsy.... Point made loud and clear. Anyway, that got me off the subject. Back to master 9. We go out on the Sunday and master 9 proceeds to tell both myself and B that we did not buy him a good enough birthday present and we should buy him another one. To say I was gobsmacked at this profound statement is an understatement. To stop myself from punching him in the head I take my 3 and walk off. Telling B this is not acceptable and suggest he slap the selfishness out of master 9. Nothing done, present of his pick purchased for master 9 and 3 other whining children now wanting presents. Master 9 then proceeds to continue down this path for the rest of the day. Whining we don't feed him enough, we don't play enough, you name it, it was mentioned.
B later that day goes to bed for a snooze. After half hour I shake him awake reminding him I am not his babysitter, they are his kids too and to get his butt out of bed. B arises and within half hour, master 9 is picked up and taken home. B clearly not wanting to spend any time with him and reducing the numbers as best he can.
Men! They wonder why us woman are 'psycho', 'moody', 'bitchy'. Why? Cause we have to put up with shit like I've talked about above is why. Pull your socks up, make sense, stop being a lazy bastard and they might, just might, get laid more often, spoken too like adults and not children and get some respect. Until then......................... well...................... nothing.
I followed her in to the flat. There was a sight that I could only describe as 'OMG'. The S-Bend to the bathroom sink had literally exploded the pipe. The poor lady had no phone, no way of contacting anyone to tell or even ask how to turn off the water. Thank goodness I had the common sense to get on that phone and have it fixed. Whilst I was waiting with her I managed to interpret she had been trying to turn it off for over an hour. The house was destroyed. Oops.....
So after that hiccup I have a play for a few minutes and off I go to get the kids. This is were the male species really showed me how frustrating they are. Master 5 'Mum, you didn't pack me any lunch' yes i did. 'Nah you didn't, I'm hungry.' No I did pack you lunch you little so and so. I scrounge threw his bag to not only find the misplaced lunch bag from earlier in the week but also the current lunch bag empty. Upon showing him the proof it was packed he proceeds to tell me again 'I'm hungry, my lunch was stolen.' This makes me see red and continue the line of questioning on what did he have then for lunch, who would of stolen it etc. He again proceeds to tell me that he told the teachers I did not give him lunch and now have a bill of $5.00 for the lunch they supplied him..... Again, seeing red, question master 5 yet again. After much heated discussion he then cautiously announces 'I may of had it for breakfast' Grrrrrrr I say. That is very very naughty. By this stage I am seeing more of a deep crimson, head ache kicking in, tiredness creeping up. I then face off with B.
Working on weekends is a difficult subject in our house. B gets very uptight if I do, however, he is (even though previously promised wouldn't) works every Saturday, with every passing weekend the working hours are extended even further. To back track a little to bring you up to speed. B has master 9 from previous relationship. I don't mix too well with said child as find him condescending and highly demanding. B has been told many occasions if he is working on a weekend said child is not allowed over until after B finishes work, after all the child is coming over to see his father and siblings. B continues to piss this request up the wall (and wonders why I get pissed off). However, every very rare weekend B doesn't work master 9 does not come over..... mmmm.... So to test out the developing theory in my brain I ring B. 'B, you getting Master 9 this weekend.' Why? 'I'm just picking up the others, I know you are working late tonight and not working tomorrow I was going to pick him up on my way.' Phone goes silent. 'Nah, it causes too much hassle having him over.' Like fuck I think to myself. Its because you are too damn lazy and don't want to have to deal with him that you don't invite him. B is more content with the glory of saying he is over but not actually have to deal and interact with him leaving me as chief babysitter, entertainment director, cook, cleaner and crowd controller. Week after week I beg/request master 9 not come until B gets home and every week without fail I am manipulated in to having the little brat over. Then have to deal with him defying me at every move and making sure I feel like a bag of shit. To give you an example of why he gets my heckles up so bad. We comes over at long weekend (Friday as B has day off and is suppose to be looking after Master 5 but doesn't want the hassle so gets over master 9 and makes him be the chief entertainer of master 5). I am then told B working Saturday and is having his dickhead buddies over in the arvo for a BBQ. 'Fine' I say, 'you be home early from work as I am not doing all the hard work and its bad enough you haven't listened and got master 9 over yet again whilst you are working.' Sure says B. Saturday rocks around, kids hating each other immensely. Ring B, get assured he will be home around midday and do all prep for 3pm arrivals. Midday comes, 1pm comes still not B, 2pm comes, still no B. I ring. Where the F are you i say. About half hour away is the reply. I go to fire up and decide no, not worth the effort and hang up. B arrives in a flap, then realises I have not saved his arse as usual and have just left the house a mess, no prep done for the BBQ and he has half hour. Off to the shower I go I say. B gets very antsy.... Point made loud and clear. Anyway, that got me off the subject. Back to master 9. We go out on the Sunday and master 9 proceeds to tell both myself and B that we did not buy him a good enough birthday present and we should buy him another one. To say I was gobsmacked at this profound statement is an understatement. To stop myself from punching him in the head I take my 3 and walk off. Telling B this is not acceptable and suggest he slap the selfishness out of master 9. Nothing done, present of his pick purchased for master 9 and 3 other whining children now wanting presents. Master 9 then proceeds to continue down this path for the rest of the day. Whining we don't feed him enough, we don't play enough, you name it, it was mentioned.
B later that day goes to bed for a snooze. After half hour I shake him awake reminding him I am not his babysitter, they are his kids too and to get his butt out of bed. B arises and within half hour, master 9 is picked up and taken home. B clearly not wanting to spend any time with him and reducing the numbers as best he can.
Men! They wonder why us woman are 'psycho', 'moody', 'bitchy'. Why? Cause we have to put up with shit like I've talked about above is why. Pull your socks up, make sense, stop being a lazy bastard and they might, just might, get laid more often, spoken too like adults and not children and get some respect. Until then......................... well...................... nothing.
26 January 2012
To Be Broken
I had an argument with the other half today. It wasn't a nice argument. In fact everything that shouldn't of been said was said. The guts of it all is I am a bitch that is not the same as I was 8 years ago. Well you know what B, No shit Sherlock!!
I can and never will be the same as I was when we first met.
For starters I am over 40 kg heavier, I have three children under 5 who are nothing but demanding, I have him as a husband that walked out on us and I had to beg for two years to take me back, I have been shafted more times than I can remember. I have no idea how or who to trust anymore and most importantly, the person who promised to love me forever, be supportive and accept me for me, doesn't and it completely breaks my heart. I try day after day to be the best wife, worker, mother and day after day I fail miserably. I had a few weeks there were I actually thought 'hey this is going okay, everything will be okay.' But its not.
I was so proud that I had come off any medication, proud to start loosing some weight, proud to have B finally giving support and it was all for nothing. I am still the most nastiest, lazy person he knows and I will never be good enough for him. Yet I am still locked in to this life of misery watching my children be punished and subjected to our arguing. But I can't leave. Where does someone who is not a nice person go, how do they leave with their children and start everything over when they have probably $5 to their name.
I thought by giving him all my money, month after month, would show my love. I thought letting him have his booze ups would show my love. I thought being a slave would show my love. I thought sacrificing everything I am would show my love. But its not. I have to be the person I was when i first met him. Who was that person? The person I was back then was a bed hopping, heavy drinking, heavy smoking, hard working, don't give a shit gal. I knew giving up all those nasty habits had made me boring and bitchy but really, he wants that back. Fuck I want that back, but its called time moving on, having children and being responsible. Something if he exhibited on a regular basis probably wouldn't have be doubting or questioning everything.
But I would be a bitch to change him (or so he says). So I can only surmise I am to be the one to make changes. I am the one in the wrong with my head obviously up my arse. To this I must formally break, submit, be who he wants me to be - a doormat with lots of personality but non-confrontational. Its either that or go through yet again the same heart ache for both myself and the children that we experienced when he last walked out on us. He wont leave so neither can I.
I'm broken.
I can and never will be the same as I was when we first met.
For starters I am over 40 kg heavier, I have three children under 5 who are nothing but demanding, I have him as a husband that walked out on us and I had to beg for two years to take me back, I have been shafted more times than I can remember. I have no idea how or who to trust anymore and most importantly, the person who promised to love me forever, be supportive and accept me for me, doesn't and it completely breaks my heart. I try day after day to be the best wife, worker, mother and day after day I fail miserably. I had a few weeks there were I actually thought 'hey this is going okay, everything will be okay.' But its not.
I was so proud that I had come off any medication, proud to start loosing some weight, proud to have B finally giving support and it was all for nothing. I am still the most nastiest, lazy person he knows and I will never be good enough for him. Yet I am still locked in to this life of misery watching my children be punished and subjected to our arguing. But I can't leave. Where does someone who is not a nice person go, how do they leave with their children and start everything over when they have probably $5 to their name.
I thought by giving him all my money, month after month, would show my love. I thought letting him have his booze ups would show my love. I thought being a slave would show my love. I thought sacrificing everything I am would show my love. But its not. I have to be the person I was when i first met him. Who was that person? The person I was back then was a bed hopping, heavy drinking, heavy smoking, hard working, don't give a shit gal. I knew giving up all those nasty habits had made me boring and bitchy but really, he wants that back. Fuck I want that back, but its called time moving on, having children and being responsible. Something if he exhibited on a regular basis probably wouldn't have be doubting or questioning everything.
But I would be a bitch to change him (or so he says). So I can only surmise I am to be the one to make changes. I am the one in the wrong with my head obviously up my arse. To this I must formally break, submit, be who he wants me to be - a doormat with lots of personality but non-confrontational. Its either that or go through yet again the same heart ache for both myself and the children that we experienced when he last walked out on us. He wont leave so neither can I.
I'm broken.
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