To Be Broken

I had an argument with the other half today. It wasn't a nice argument. In fact everything that shouldn't of been said was said.  The guts of it all is I am a bitch that is not the same as I was 8 years ago. Well you know what B, No shit Sherlock!!

I can and never will be the same as I was when we first met.

For starters I am over 40 kg heavier, I have three children under 5 who are nothing but demanding, I have him as a husband that walked out on us and I had to beg for two years to take me back, I have been shafted more times than I can remember. I have no idea how or who to trust anymore and most importantly, the person who promised to love me forever, be supportive and accept me for me, doesn't and it completely breaks my heart. I try day after day to be the best wife, worker, mother and day after day I fail miserably.  I had a few weeks there were I actually thought 'hey this is going okay, everything will be okay.' But its not.

I was so proud that I had come off any medication, proud to start loosing some weight, proud to have B finally giving support and it was all for nothing. I am still the most nastiest, lazy person he knows and I will never be good enough for him.  Yet I am still locked in to this life of misery watching my children be punished and subjected to our arguing. But I can't leave. Where does someone who is not a nice person go, how do they leave with their children and start everything over when they have probably $5 to their name.

I thought by giving him all my money, month after month, would show my love. I thought letting him have his booze ups would show my love. I thought being a slave would show my love. I thought sacrificing everything I am would show my love. But its not. I have to be the person I was when i first met him. Who was that person? The person I was back then was a bed hopping, heavy drinking, heavy smoking, hard working, don't give a shit gal.  I knew giving up all those nasty habits had made me boring and bitchy but really, he wants that back. Fuck I want that back, but its called time moving on, having children and being responsible. Something if he exhibited on a regular basis probably wouldn't have be doubting or questioning everything.

But I would be a bitch to change him (or so he says). So I can only surmise I am to be the one to make changes. I am the one in the wrong with my head obviously up my arse. To this I must formally break, submit, be who he wants me to be - a doormat with lots of personality but non-confrontational. Its either that or go through yet again the same heart ache for both myself and the children that we experienced when he last walked out on us. He wont leave so neither can I.

I'm broken.