Kids and their big mouths

I was treating the kids to a Maccas breakfast a few months back.

Waiting patiently at the McCafe, Master 5 (at the time) brings it to my attention that a policeman is about to walk though the door.  My children love police people, or anyone in uniform for that fact. He proceeds to wave and jump around like an excited puppy. The police man places his order and starts talking to the kids as by now Master 8 and Miss 4 have enjoyed the excited, yelping Master 5. The police man kindly and patiently starts taking items off his belt, then showing and explaining each item. Kids voices building higher and higher with excitement. Well.. he pulls out the handcuffs...

Master 5 exclaims at the top of his voice at a now crowded with the morning rush, Maccas, 'my mum has them hanging up in her bedroom!'.  I nearly died. I dared not look at the 30 or so eyes wide eyed with amusement, gazing at me waiting for a reaction. Quite calmly I say 'Yes I do master 5, aren't you observant.' I pick up my waiting drink and walk off. Leaving kids to still keep viewing the police mans items on his belt.

Kids are far too observant.

Lost, Found or ?

I've had my whole life relationships that have contained and maintained on conditional love. I don't know anything more. I don't understand unconditional love. I think I love my children too much and have always been made to feel that loving them so much is spoiling them so I continually hold them at arms length. Hoping they won't become too attached.  The love I had for my husband burned bright and long lasting until I realised he could replace me quicker than I could mow the lawns, even when we had a great patch of water in between us I still loved and wanted him but he moved on and broke my heart. After 5 years I still haven't recovered or know if I can recover from the ultimate rejection. The ultimate betrayal of love.

I feel I am replaceable, dispensable as a woman, a human, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and as a wife.  I feel my life is continually controlled by others. I'm told who to like, what i should wear, when I should be having sex.  My privacy has been stripped. My precious child hood memories snatched away and broken. The photos I once loved having around to remember are now packed and locked away with my heart, buried somewhere in the depths of my endless despair.

I feel I am walking through a pitch black field, trying to find my way, but I am hopelessly lost with no one to guide me. No one to understand and accept me. No one to tell me that yes the feelings are normal. You are worth and deserve so much more. The level you have been dragged down to is fixable. You can be alone and be happy.

I can be alone and be happy...... Can I?  I don't know if I can let go of the bad, recurring baggage and come out in one pice on the other side.  I don't know if I can smile and get through it. I don't want help whilst I'm in the middle of my mourning, but I don't want to feel completely abandoned.

'Come sit down beside me' I said to myself, And although it didn't make sense, I held my own hand as a small sign of trust and together I sat on the fence.'